I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
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