Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
