He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
