More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
