I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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