omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
