Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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