Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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