she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
