yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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