sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
