I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
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Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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