I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
