shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
