he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
