it's too hot outside to masturbate.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
