I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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