i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.