Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
