it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
