Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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