listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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