She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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