I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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