Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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