Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize