One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
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I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
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My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.