I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
