just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
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Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
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Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed