sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative