You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
