she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
