OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
