idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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