why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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