You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
