Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
