I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
