either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
