I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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