i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
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