You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
