im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
our cab driver is having phone sex.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
