Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
