And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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