It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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