He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We don't watch enough power rangers
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize