I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
