He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
