I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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