babies were throwing up all over the place
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
PANTIES FOUND
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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