I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
