so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
