New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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