i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
