How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
