he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
