also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
